In Pursuit of Peace and Happiness

People think I’m strong.. being able to face this crisis… But what they don’t know is that I’m scared shit… im just good at hiding it for the sake of my kids.

They say I’m strong because I’m able to endure this, all these years… But I’m so scared everyday.. everynight.. I’m scared I wont be able to protect myself and the kids… I’m scared I might give up … I’m scared I wont have enough strength and courage… I’m scared I won’t have enough faith …

Everyone is telling me to prepare myself for the worse.. But how does one do that? How can one prepare for something like that or prepare for the unknown? I get scared when I’m told this because it only reiterates the fact that I can never be prepared for something bad …

Maybe what I need to hear instead is … I am here for you.. I will support you … whatever you need…  these are what I need to hear from my loved ones and from my friends…

I appreciate some of my friends who really go out of their way to help by taking time to talk to him .. meet him.. . Meet with me.. listen to me.. offer help… somehow I’m lucky to have them in my life ..

Somehow I don’t feel alone with them…  But when I go home… in my bed.. I hear his foosteps in the hallway.. i hear his doors open and close… it is when I’ve never felt more alone in my life …

Abuse. The scary thing about this is that the abuser is not aware that he is abusive. He will not admit that he is abusive. He will always believe in his mind that he is correct and that he is never wrong.

This is why i want to always seek GOOD around me. I want to witness good, capture it and share it. Because my eyes and my heart has been veiled from goodness for so long. All i have seen and made to believe all these years are just the bad.. until one day, 2 years ago, I’ve finally said “enough”. But as expected, because i decided to finally stand my ground, from the abusive person’s eyes, I committed the sin, I’ve renounced my vows.

Now I’m finally moving out (2 years after my decision, the delay mostly triggered by fear)… now I am anticipating the worse when i finally tell him of my plans. When he would say that i cant bring my 2 girls with me, or throw accusations of being a bad mother, bad parenting… These are the things that I’m supposed to prepare my mind for. How does one prepare for that? Where can one get courage to face that?

As a mother, as a woman, I need to show my 2 girls that a woman can be strong.. to be resilient in the face of adversity.. to never give up no matter how difficult it may seem. One may be scared, but must go on to fight for one’s right, to find peace and happiness.

I hope to be able to stand my ground and finish this through.. if only for the sake of my girls.


Beauty in Simplicity

My eldest daughter introduced me to paper quilling when she asked for my help with a project. We didn’t have any tools or materials so we had to improvise.. cut the paper manually, made our own tool using the wood part of a cotton ear bud.. followed the design in YouTube. We chose to do a butterfly. For a first attempt and with limited resources I think we did pretty well.

We really enjoyed it a lot that I ordered materials and tools online. So we got the pre-cut paper strips of various colors, the quilling needle and other tools, and started a project together with my 2 girls. The idea is we do random quilling and stick it to a paper until we fill it up. We will do 1 piece or more a day and stick it randomly and just see how it will turn out. Then maybe we can frame it and display it . More importantly, this will be a joint effort with my girls. Quilling is simple, but put together, something beautiful comes out.

Doing projects together are what really are retained in our kids minds. It’s that special time you spend together laughing, figuring things out. And with today’s technology these can all be documented and someday look back and reminisce.

In relation to this, about 7 years ago, I created individual email accounts for my kids and in there I email all beautiful memories I have with them. Pictures, letters, events, so that one day when they are older, I plan to give them the login and password and surprise them . Maybe on their 18th birthday or when they get married, I haven’t decided yet. ( oh wait.. I wonder if my daughter is following my blog…. this kinda is a spoiler …)

So parents out there.. let’s create memories with our kids!

The unveiling of the true source of goodness

As I was walking home from work, I saw these cute little dogs walking towards me and I can’t help but ask permission from the owner if I could take their picture to show my daughters and the kind lady consented.

Notice how one smiled for the picture!

As I walked on, I passed by a college where I usually stop by its chapel for a quick prayer. I haven’t done so for a few months already and today, I decided to stop and visit.

As I entered the adoration chapel, it isn’t the usual where my mind is filled with many thoughts of what I will be praying for. Today is different. I knew exactly what to tell Him. There is only one thought in my mind. Jesus, be the driver of my life from now on. Let me sit back now and bring me to where you want me.

All my life I have been telling the Lord the desires of my heart, what, where and when. For every crisis in my life, I pray to him for the turnout I want it to be.

I am going thru a crisis now and it is the first time that I seek spiritual guidance from a Catholic priest and from a born again Christian who happened to be my uncle. The answers I got isn’t only for my current situation but really, it hit me to the core of my heart. It is only now that I’m learning to let go and completely Trust in Him.

This journey is something I wish to share here as well.

Because as I search for goodness and beauty, I am discovering to whom all these come from.

As I was leaving the chapel , I turned back and saw this. This tranquility  that’s slowly unveiling in front of me.