In Pursuit of Peace and Happiness

People think I’m strong.. being able to face this crisis… But what they don’t know is that I’m scared shit… im just good at hiding it for the sake of my kids.

They say I’m strong because I’m able to endure this, all these years… But I’m so scared everyday.. everynight.. I’m scared I wont be able to protect myself and the kids… I’m scared I might give up … I’m scared I wont have enough strength and courage… I’m scared I won’t have enough faith …

Everyone is telling me to prepare myself for the worse.. But how does one do that? How can one prepare for something like that or prepare for the unknown? I get scared when I’m told this because it only reiterates the fact that I can never be prepared for something bad …

Maybe what I need to hear instead is … I am here for you.. I will support you … whatever you need…  these are what I need to hear from my loved ones and from my friends…

I appreciate some of my friends who really go out of their way to help by taking time to talk to him .. meet him.. . Meet with me.. listen to me.. offer help… somehow I’m lucky to have them in my life ..

Somehow I don’t feel alone with them…  But when I go home… in my bed.. I hear his foosteps in the hallway.. i hear his doors open and close… it is when I’ve never felt more alone in my life …

Abuse. The scary thing about this is that the abuser is not aware that he is abusive. He will not admit that he is abusive. He will always believe in his mind that he is correct and that he is never wrong.

This is why i want to always seek GOOD around me. I want to witness good, capture it and share it. Because my eyes and my heart has been veiled from goodness for so long. All i have seen and made to believe all these years are just the bad.. until one day, 2 years ago, I’ve finally said “enough”. But as expected, because i decided to finally stand my ground, from the abusive person’s eyes, I committed the sin, I’ve renounced my vows.

Now I’m finally moving out (2 years after my decision, the delay mostly triggered by fear)… now I am anticipating the worse when i finally tell him of my plans. When he would say that i cant bring my 2 girls with me, or throw accusations of being a bad mother, bad parenting… These are the things that I’m supposed to prepare my mind for. How does one prepare for that? Where can one get courage to face that?

As a mother, as a woman, I need to show my 2 girls that a woman can be strong.. to be resilient in the face of adversity.. to never give up no matter how difficult it may seem. One may be scared, but must go on to fight for one’s right, to find peace and happiness.

I hope to be able to stand my ground and finish this through.. if only for the sake of my girls.


The unveiling of the true source of goodness

As I was walking home from work, I saw these cute little dogs walking towards me and I can’t help but ask permission from the owner if I could take their picture to show my daughters and the kind lady consented.

Notice how one smiled for the picture!

As I walked on, I passed by a college where I usually stop by its chapel for a quick prayer. I haven’t done so for a few months already and today, I decided to stop and visit.

As I entered the adoration chapel, it isn’t the usual where my mind is filled with many thoughts of what I will be praying for. Today is different. I knew exactly what to tell Him. There is only one thought in my mind. Jesus, be the driver of my life from now on. Let me sit back now and bring me to where you want me.

All my life I have been telling the Lord the desires of my heart, what, where and when. For every crisis in my life, I pray to him for the turnout I want it to be.

I am going thru a crisis now and it is the first time that I seek spiritual guidance from a Catholic priest and from a born again Christian who happened to be my uncle. The answers I got isn’t only for my current situation but really, it hit me to the core of my heart. It is only now that I’m learning to let go and completely Trust in Him.

This journey is something I wish to share here as well.

Because as I search for goodness and beauty, I am discovering to whom all these come from.

As I was leaving the chapel , I turned back and saw this. This tranquility  that’s slowly unveiling in front of me.

The elusive good deed

Just like love, the more you seek it, the harder to find. But when you are not looking, it finds you.

Or is it because people are less likely to extend a hand these days? Are people more consumed with other matters to notice?

A few years back, as I was walking home, I saw a young man stop and help an old lady cross the street. It was such a simple gesture but it struck me, wishing I had taken a photo. That actually inspired me to do this project. I've been meaning to do this for a long time but never got to it until now. It was then that I realized there is still goodness in people. That people still care.

However these days, when I sit by a coffee shop, I try to observe and yes it's true, people are always looking down. How can they see that there might be an old lady needing help crossing the street, or someone needs assistance to open a door because her arms are full. These days, eyes are glued on phones rather than the world.

Maybe people still care… they're just too busy looking down.

A morning stroll at the park 

My kids love animals, and when I say love, I mean LOO❤️❤️❤️VVe animals. Specially my youngest.  When her pet hamster Peanut died, she cried for so many nights.  

Yesterday at the park , they saw a Chowchow and they squealed in excitement.  They ran towards the dog and it's owner and started interviewing him. The man was kind and patient enough to answer all their questions. They are curious little bees  and I was pretty sure they had tons of them.  You can see in the picture that the man was happy to answer all their questions . 

On my youngest's birthday last year, we surprised her by bringing  her to a cat cafe where you can pet and interact with all the cats and dogs inside. There were more than 20 cats inside and as much dogs as well. She literally had tears in her eyes! She was so happy she said that it was her best birthday ever! 

Challenge in finding good

I’m realizing that looking for people doing small goood deeds is difficult, specially if you look for it everyday.  I keep my eyes open , with my camera ready to click away. Though I haven’t found anything so far, I’m learning to be more observant of people around me.. like while I was having tea at a coffee shop, I  had called out to a mom whose daughter’s clip was hanging by the tip of the bangs, or  finding that people still keep doors open for others to pass thru, or a father playing with his kids ( through using a gadget).  I did find a book about doing good.

Today I spent my morning with my 2 angels, walked to the nearest mall and had breakfast together at a coffee shop, spent sometime at the park nearby, then went to watch a fencing match with my eldest.

After watching, we walked to the mall next door and did some shopping and bonding.

In the afternoon, my youngest and I tried a new Korean cheese stuffed bread recipe which turned out pretty good!

While I try to find good around me, let me create good.  Maybe we can challenge ourselves to do small good things everyday. It may be little but for the person we do good to, it may be life changing .

Closest to my heart

Let me start by sharing beauty from a place and from people closest to my heart. I don't need to look far.

Today is my dad's birthday and he is 79 years old. He suffers from Alzheimer's but luckily he still remembers us, his 3 children.   It is a blessing indeed that we are still able to celebrate his birthday,  and spend time with him.

As my 2 brothers and I were discussing where  and how to celebrate his birthday, my mom texted me :

My dad asked what my gift is for him, and I teased him, LOVE.  Coincidentally my eldest brother called him and was asked the same question and he said, KISS.  Now they wonder what my other brother will give him… maybe it's HUG.  This is my family.  We are simple, yet rich in love and affection. This simplicity is the most beautiful that I can share, not just for today, but for my lifetime.

My own family is a broken one… I've separated from my husband, and I strive to show my 2 beautiful children the kind of love I experienced from my youth, and is still experiencing  now.  I want to show my kids that even when our family is not whole,  the love of a Family is still present in their lives.

Beauty from our hearts, from our home.