Date or Data?

40 and still single? And you’ve been wondering why? You’re beautiful, wonderful, smart, successful.

A typical day for you is that you always stop and smell the roses. GOOD RIGHT? Well… not quite. How often do you stop and smell the roses in a day? How often do you pull out your phone and snap away the beautiful sunset, the delicious looking meal on your table, the steaming cup of coffee, the unique interior design of your new surroundings. Sometimes too much, you don’t realize that wonderful person right in front of you.. waiting patiently while you snap away. Sometimes asked to move aside because he is in the way of a perfect shot for your Instagram.

Must you really stop the car to capture the fiery sky? Must you really have to capture every meal that you eat, every drink that you consume? Must you really have to show all your friends what you are eating, drinking and doing right now? Must you really have to know right this moment what’s going on with your other friends in FB and IG, while he sits across you waiting awkwardly while you check your phone?

Cant that wait? Cant you just simply enjoy the aroma of your coffee, the texture of your juicy steak, and most of all, enjoy his company, sincerely listen to his words, focus and just have fun?

When was the last time you did that? When was the last time you truly truly put down your phone the entire night and just simply enjoyed the night?

If you are to stop and smell the roses, why not do so without your phone in your hand? Believe me, the memories you may create may be far more deeper than the photos that you have posted in your Instagram. The satisfaction in the likes that you get is nowhere near the long term satisfaction you can get by focusing on the moment, with your person.

So ask yourself, date or data? Which do you choose?

In Pursuit of Peace and Happiness

People think I’m strong.. being able to face this crisis… But what they don’t know is that I’m scared shit… im just good at hiding it for the sake of my kids.

They say I’m strong because I’m able to endure this, all these years… But I’m so scared everyday.. everynight.. I’m scared I wont be able to protect myself and the kids… I’m scared I might give up … I’m scared I wont have enough strength and courage… I’m scared I won’t have enough faith …

Everyone is telling me to prepare myself for the worse.. But how does one do that? How can one prepare for something like that or prepare for the unknown? I get scared when I’m told this because it only reiterates the fact that I can never be prepared for something bad …

Maybe what I need to hear instead is … I am here for you.. I will support you … whatever you need…  these are what I need to hear from my loved ones and from my friends…

I appreciate some of my friends who really go out of their way to help by taking time to talk to him .. meet him.. . Meet with me.. listen to me.. offer help… somehow I’m lucky to have them in my life ..

Somehow I don’t feel alone with them…  But when I go home… in my bed.. I hear his foosteps in the hallway.. i hear his doors open and close… it is when I’ve never felt more alone in my life …

Abuse. The scary thing about this is that the abuser is not aware that he is abusive. He will not admit that he is abusive. He will always believe in his mind that he is correct and that he is never wrong.

This is why i want to always seek GOOD around me. I want to witness good, capture it and share it. Because my eyes and my heart has been veiled from goodness for so long. All i have seen and made to believe all these years are just the bad.. until one day, 2 years ago, I’ve finally said “enough”. But as expected, because i decided to finally stand my ground, from the abusive person’s eyes, I committed the sin, I’ve renounced my vows.

Now I’m finally moving out (2 years after my decision, the delay mostly triggered by fear)… now I am anticipating the worse when i finally tell him of my plans. When he would say that i cant bring my 2 girls with me, or throw accusations of being a bad mother, bad parenting… These are the things that I’m supposed to prepare my mind for. How does one prepare for that? Where can one get courage to face that?

As a mother, as a woman, I need to show my 2 girls that a woman can be strong.. to be resilient in the face of adversity.. to never give up no matter how difficult it may seem. One may be scared, but must go on to fight for one’s right, to find peace and happiness.

I hope to be able to stand my ground and finish this through.. if only for the sake of my girls.